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Reviving the LJ. [Jan. 18th, 2006|12:41 am]
[Current Mood |geeky]

For those who don't know me, I have three blogs. Yes. I am that much of a geek.

Anyway, I decided to revive my LJ. I was looking through my blogspot archives, and I found some entries I want to single out... my fucked up realizations that I kinda want to keep on looking back to. And yes, let's face it, share to other people again. Maybe they could give me their opinions on my screw ups.

Another reason, punksquad is in LJ. Hahaha. Yes, I am updating this for you guys. For those who don't know them, they are some of my friends in the Philippines, and some of the screwed up people that make our world such a wonderful place to be in. Seriously, check them out. Just go to my userinfo and click on every user you see a "punk" in.

Lastly, this is an attempt to make my thoughts organized. So STFU. Hehehe.

It would take me a while to organize every thing. But these are some of my older entries.

Buh bye. I want to sleep now. Sleep is good.

If you want to check out my blogger account, just send me a note :) I actually update that blog more often coz its my primary medium to share my new life in Canada to my friends back in the Philippines. :)
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"Someone's becoming a rational drunkard." [Nov. 18th, 2005|08:31 pm]
Yeah, that's how Karl described me the other day. Haha.

The thing with getting your heartbroken... it complicates your feelings. It traumatizes you like hell that whenever you think of being in a relationship... the first thing that comes into your mind is how you're going to break up and how fucked up you're going to be when you actually do. Then again, you can't stop thinking about how you still want to experience the feeling of loving and being loved in return all over again. You crave for it, look for it... and once you find someone who could potentially be "the one"... and you know, that you could actually be happy with this person... it's still so hard to bring yourself to actually enjoy it in its entirety, coz you keep on thinking: "What if it ends?" Instead of actually enjoying what's in front of you, we leap into what's going to happen... anticipate the hurt before they actually come. In the process, we hurt ourselves coz of that person, even before that person actually gets the chance to hurt us.

Wait. Now, I even confused myself.

My point is, why is it so hard for us to stop thinking?

Why is it so damn impossible to just shut our brains off for even a minute just so we can let all the feelings flow through us?

Human beings take pride in the fact that we are the only species in our planet who are gifted with logic and reason. But then again, when you think of it, is logic and reason really a "gift"? Or is it actually the curse of our kind?

We are lucky to have it coz then we are also given the chance to have a meaningful life. We can interpret things and give meaning to them through our own eyes. We're not like freaking turtles which can't distinguish their poop from their babies (I know. Coz i was a turtle in my past life.). Or not like dogs who just fuck the first female dog they see out of instinct (with the exception of some human beings), humans have the capacity to think about it, delay it, and give meaning to it.

But then, with the capacity to be able to put meaning into things and hold it close to our heart... you then realize, we put too much meaning into things. There's the explicit meaning, the hidden meaning, the subconscious interpretation, the pakipot meaning, and so many other things. Along with the gift of logic and reason, we are also given the curse of insanity and paranoia.

It sucks.

Why can't we just let go of things and just enjoy the damn moment? Stop thinking. Stop feeling. And just freaking have the time of our lives.

Then, I realized, that's why it's so fun to get drunk.

When you get drunk, you lose brain capacity. Your brain cells are dying, but it feels good. (Okay, that's a bad way to look at it.) But anyway, yeah, you just lose all your inhibitions. It's like the only thing in your mind is how to manage to remain standing for the rest of the night, and that you're having fun, vommit and all, it is still fun. I remember the other night, I went to this debut. I so did not enjoy. Because for one, no alcohol. They kept on forcing me to dance. That's when I realized what a boring person I am in parties without the influence of alcohol.

But yeah, somehow, when you're intoxicated. You stop caring. You stop thinking. And the only thing you suddenly want, is to be able to enjoy the night. Screw the barf. Screw the hangover. Let's not even care how we're going to get home or how we're going to wake up and drag our asses to work the following day.

I wanna be able to enjoy life like that. Where the night is yours to live, and you only want to be able to make it standing by the time you have to leave the party. You throw up, you make a fool of yourself, you get locked out of your own house. You do all sorts of stupid things like using Clearasil as toothpaste and speaking in Filipino in a land where no one can understand you. In the morning, you stand up, and you feel you have to lie down again, and waste half your day lying down because of the most excruciating hangover you've experienced in your life. But then, you TRY to remember what happened the night before, and you smile. And you are able to tell other people: "Hey! I got so hammered last night! But it was so fucking fun! ANd you have to kill yourself for not being there! Let's go do it again sometime!"

It's funny. Yeah, love is like getting drunk. You know it could hurt you. You know of the pain you'd go through after that. Everytime you go through it, you say "Tangina, hindi na ako iinom. Ever." (Son of a bitch. I'm never going to drink. Ever.) And just like that, the following week, you find yourself getting kicked out of a bar coz you're barfing all over the place. Same thing with relationships. You break up, it fucking hurts, and then you hold out a banner saying "Kill all men." Next thing you know, you're dating the kind of bastard whose penis you would have voodoo dolled a few weeks ago.

Hahaha. Yeah. Ahaha. Good times.

So anyway, I took this Death Test in thespark.com. The test basically predicts when you're going to die and how.

My results?

I'm dying by the time I'm 55 years old.


TheSpark said the most likely cause of my death is alcoholism. After that, alien abduction.

It's a damn stupid test. But oh well. Hahaha.

Anyhoo, let me update later. I'm having an interesting conversation with a friend. Hahaha.
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Of online tests and more. [Nov. 12th, 2005|12:32 am]
We've just discovered the most exciting thing that could happen in our jobs.... Tickle.com is not blocked! Yey! For those who don't know wtf tickle.com is, it's a site where they have like a gazillion online tests. Haha. It's stupid, but our job sucks... and it makes the site interesting. So yeah, in between calls, or even during calls, you could see all of us in that stupid site taking those stupid tests. Hahaha.

So according to Tickle. This is who I am.

Which "Friend" character are you?

I'm a Phoebe. No surprise there. I've always been weird.

With an utterly free spirit like yours, some people see you as flaky. But creative, perceptive-as-heck, and eerily wise is more like it. You see the good in everyone, which could make your dating life a bit, well, uneven. But you always land on your feet with your humor, kindness, (and who-knows-what-from-beyond) as your guide.

Unlike Phoebe though. I could not see my pastlives, which I think would be so cool. So coz I don't have that ability... I decide to take another Tickle test.

What were you in your past life?

And I seriously thought I was some sort of tragic hero... sacrificing all that she loved for a greater good. That you people out there has me to thank for making the world the way it is, and without me there would be no such thing as freedom. Hahaha. However, Tickle said I was a...


What the f--? I'm not even human?!? How the hell could I be a turtle? Well, maybe that's why I'm so slow, and so damn lazy, and it's so hard for me to move quickly. And I decide that this test is pure crap, so I move on to my next test.

Hopefully, the next test has more substance.

What does your subconscious say?

And wow, it does have more substance.

It said that my subconscious mind is most preoccupied with issues around my friendships.

On a conscious level, you might already be aware that something is troubling you, or eating up a lot of time when it comes to your friendships. But it's also possible that thoughts and feelings about your relationships have been preoccupying your subconscious mind — leaving you with nothing more than a general sense that things just don't feel 100% right in your life though you can't quite figure out why.

You may feel dissatisfied with your current circle of friends or conflicted about one of your closer friendships. Perhaps you long for more fulfilling connections, or wish that you found your friendships less draining, or more balanced. Or maybe you're so frustrated with your situation that you avoid the topic all together.

Whichever feelings hold true, your test results indicate that right now, your subconscious mind is working overtime to resolve the issues confronting you in this area of your life — even if you don't feel aware of it.

I realized, that's pretty true. I have yet to explore it, but I'm just scared I might depress myself and commit suicide or do something stupid.

Then, I decided, this site is cool!

So the online testing continues...

Why are you still single?

I AM NOT COMMITMENT PHOBIC!!! A lot of my friends were. According to Tickle, I am single NOT coz I'm commitment phobic, but just coz I'm afraid to slow down. Yeah.

Whether you're working all hours, busy with school, or planning a cross-country move, it sounds like you just don't have time for anyone else in your life...right now, that is. Your timing may be off in other aspects, too. Chances are, you've met that perfect person who just so happens to be married or planning their own cross-country move. So take a step back for a moment. Is there something underlying this? Could it be you're afraid to get involved for some reason or another, and are therefore attracted to people who are simply unavailable?

Yeah, I'm having fun with my friends (who I apparently have issues with right now. Stupid subconscious test). No time for boys first. Hehehe.

So wow, I might not end up alone after all. Yipppeee.

So I wonder who I'd end up with...

And as if all things can be answered by stupid online tests, I take another one.

Who's the man of your dreams?

Ina, A Secret Agent is the man of your dreams.

Hell yeah! Give me my piece of Michael Vartan (Vaughn in Alias.) or even David Duchovny (Moulder in XFiles.). Hahaha.

Mystery and intrigue — it's not just for action-adventure movies. It's what you are looking for in life and love. From spontaneous weekend getaways to notes stuck in your jean pockets, you love being surprised and appreciate the extra thought and effort that goes into making it happen.

That's why a secret agent could steal your heart — he's got what it takes to change the world, but he's not about to go around shouting about it. But don't worry, your secret's safe with us. Shhhh.

This is a fucking dork of a site. Hahaha. Why I uncontrollably keep on taking their stupid tests is beyond my comprehension.

Holy cow, now I know who I want to end up with... I'm taking online testing influence to another level!

The Wedding Date Predictor!

So, I now know why I'm still single (so I can fix that), who I wanna end up with (hot secret agent with hot gadgets)... the question is WHEN will this crazy singlehood end?

And they say, I'm getting married by...

June 18, 2008.

Holy shit. Now I'm officially scared. That's like in two and a half freaking years. Holy crap.

That's when I swore to myself. Never ever to return to that site. Haha.

So I turn to my friend, "I'm getting married by 2008. I don't have a boyfriend. I don't have a potential boyfriend. I've never seen the world. I haven't done an altruistic deed yet. I wanna cry."

She said, "Oh don't worry about it. That just means by 2008, think of it as your first marriage. There's always divorce."

Oh yeah. I forgot that divorce now exists in the country I live in. Hahaha. This is such a screwed up place. But it's fun, nevertheless. Haha.
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Basically, my life... self-centered post [Nov. 8th, 2005|10:43 am]
I have a concept for my novel. And it got me into thinking about my role in life. Weird.

I can't rant about my concept, coz I dunno, I just don't feel like it. But yeah, I'd want to rant about other things.

Warning: This is a pretty self-centered post. I'm ranting about my life as I know it.

I was thinking the other day how my relationships with the people around me are so different. Like if I analyzed my role in each of my friends' lives, I served a different purpose. And if I look back at my life, it's weird how I never had one on-going image to everybody. I realized, there are always different facets of me open to others.

I'll show you.

When I was in grade school, I was known as the girl who has one whole shoe box full of Magic cards. I played against my male classmates and I actually won against them. At the same time, people in school knew me as the ballet dancer. (Yeah, I was doing ballet before. Hahaha. I know it doesn't seem fucking possible. But I was.) I was damn proud of it as well. I'd bring my point shoes to school and show off to my female classmates who were stuck with ballet shoes. I was full of air that way.

First year high school. I was part of the "notorious" group. People hated us. We were damn bitches. But we had so much fun. People loved me coz I had the transpo. They enjoyed my company just coz I'm always there. They thought I was cool coz I could throw a plastic spider to my teacher's ass. In the end, I got kicked out. (Yeah.) I didn't get to stay in touch with most of my friends there, but I got to keep someone who ended up to be one of my best friends up to now.

Second year. Tangina. I was known as the "kick-out." Highschool drama at its best. My bestfriends from gradeschool won't talk to me coz they see me as some feeling colehiyala just coz I came (and got kicked out) from an exclusive girls' school and just coz I spoke in English with some of my friends. (Yeah, high school can be shallow in this way.) It wasn't all bad though, coz I learned how to deviate from the crowd. Be my own person. I remember, I had four close friends back then. This girl who was in the lower batch, who got kicked out from the same school as well. This dude who likes XFiles ( I was obsessed with the show before.) And this child actor (secret kung sino), who people in our school made fun of just coz he did all those silly roles from when he was younger. BTW, I ditched ballet for swimming.

Third year. I stopped caring. I met my high school best friend, Ralph. We clicked coz he didn't like people who clinged to groups as well. Unlike me, who was initially forced to be alone, and then in the end chose to be alone, he wanted to be outcasted from the very start. He saw being part of a cyberkada (hahaha) is fucking jologs. We got along well. Just coz we saw everyone else as stupid (Yeah, we were jerks.). Weird enough, people liked us more coz of that, I don't have a logical explanation. I swear. When I was so open, and I just wanted to be friends with everybody, they bitched up on me. When I decide to bitch up and close up, they fucking want to know me. Human beings could be weird that way, I guess. I remember Ralph and I used to be friends with people from the upper batch. Just so we can avoid dealing with the issues of our batch, then again, we don't get involved with the issues of the upper batch coz we're not in the same batch.

This is the point where I actually paid attention to the thought that I could write something well. My English teacher wrote me a note on my test paper, right beside my essay, that I had "potential," and she invited me to be one of the editors in the school paper. I still have her to thank for bringing out the writer in me. I would have never thought it would end up to be something I would really REALLY enjoy doing. I remember I chose to sit at the back and at the very corner of the classroom. When there were no teachers, everyone would be gathered in their circles. I seriously, refused, to be part of any group. Coz I was contented with my Sweet Valley and Harry Potter fan fiction. I would spend hours doodling and lettering, and making stupid poems. Some of my classmates actually go up to me and make me make them one for their anniversary. WTF. But yeah. I had nothing better to do. So I do them the favor. Suddenly, I'm "cool" coz I can right "cool" poems.

I still irritated some people like hell just coz I sometimes spoke in taglish.

I remember, my close friends were always the people who were outcasted to some degree. Like there was this one girl, I was really close to. She was in the lower batch and she came from the States. Some people could come up with the craziest assumptions and they had all sorts of assumptions about her. They think of her as a bitch or a slut or whatever. But you get to talk to her, she's one of deepest and most logical person I've ever met. I really enjoyed talking to her. Sad though, over the summer, I tried to call her, and I was told she went back to the States. Never saw her again.

I was a loner, but I wasn't alone. I still had other activities like swimming, YFC, Repertory.

Fourth year. Oh I met my friend Gail -- my fellow bookworm/writing enthusiast/self confessed geek. I finally had someone to hang out with outside the cafeteria during lunch or recess just to finish an issue of "Senior Year" (Sweet Valley). I remember, during class, we'd gush about the lives of people in Sweet Valley. "I still like Todd with Elizabeth. But Conner's an asshole. But he's hot." Some of our classmates actually listened to us, it never occured to them that we were getting frustrated about the lives of fictional characters. We also had Kevin and Aby to share our insightful conversations with, and soon enough, we found that our conversation circle grew. Before I knew it, we were part of the big group. I was finally sucked into the "group bonding shit" that I so avoided through out highschool, and I loved it. I had so much fun, and I kept on wondering why I was so much of a bitch before and chose to be alone. I became friends with the people I use to "loathe" and I love them to bits up to this very moment. All of a sudden, I was known as the most talkative person in school.

First year college. I am suddenly the "nerd." Well, I was kicked out when I was in first year high school, I didn't want that to happen all over again. I suddenly became the student who everyone xeroxed notes from, the classmate who had no right to complain about low grades because my standards for "low" are higher than everyone else. I had the "perfect" life. High grades, unshitty boyfriend, good friends. The sole purpose of my everyday life became keeping my grades up. I was the kind of person... who'd have a "scratch" notebook for school to jot down every single word the professor says, that I will rewrite in my "real" notebook, and then come finals I would type it all in and integrate my class notes with my book notes. Fuck, even some of my professors went crazy over my notes. My notes were the class handouts. I even had one prof who required me to submit my notes so he can send it out to his future classes for extra points. I was the type you'd want to murder, coz when everyone left readings unread, I memorized definitions verbatim.

Second year. I overloaded myself with so much shit. I shifted from European Studies to Psychology and Marketing, thus I had no friends in my course. I joined so much extra-curricular activities like JEMA, CSO, YFC, Student Council and Tapat. Damn. I was the ultimate nerd. I think some people actually started pitying me for having no life. But then, they can't pity me too much coz I was investing so much on my "future." Second year life was pretty boring. Fucking hectic and fucking a pain in the ass, but boring.

Third year. Hah. The break up. And my life turns around. I was suddenly "hilariously screwed up" as Mig said. Out of desperation to recover my social life, I joined even more activities. Never mind the fact that I was Executive Vice President for JEMA, and AVP Academics for Student Council of my batch, and that I was a Household Head for YFC. I joined Pyros (rowing team), which later led to me joining Phoenix (football). Suddenly, I was known as the "sports jock." People could not imagine me being a nerd at all. Unless, they see me being kicked out of the library coz it was closing or geeking around in Starbucks till 2am.

I loved that year. I finally found my "balance." I was staying in a condo with my friends. I had friends left and right. People calling me in my globe and then sun cellular cellphones. I became the social butterfly. I had people to talk to all the time.

And my life as a blogger began. And I discovered my love for all things online.

Canada. Now I'm here. Suddenly, I'm no sports jock or nerd anymore. People now see me as this nature/fun loving rocker artsy dude. Yeah. It's weird. I have no idea how people see me here actually. My friend CHristy and her group ask me out on outings and crazy yet fun events. Anna thinks I'm someone to share her passion with the arts with, given that we're spending Saturday together in search of art exhibits downtown. Sherry calls me up for punk rock gigs.

I realized, my life is so unpredictable. I love the fact that I don't know what's gonna happen, but then I hate it for that same reason.

It seems so easy to lose myself in events. Damn. That's why my family doesn't take my interests seriously anymore. I'm always changing.

So, just to keep me on track (hopefully) I decided to make a list of what I want for myself.

1.) I want to be in the arts. Fuck corporate slavery. I just want freedom of expression and seeing something that is "my work." My idea, my efforts that produced it.
2.) I want to be able to see the world. I heard this quote "Things don't change, people change." I might change a million times in my life, but I want to be able to see and experience the world I'm in that remains constant. Thus, giving me the comfort that I am getting to know how to live in it better day by day.
3.) I want to be able to do what's in my heart. Screw practicality. I just don't want any regrets. If I change interests, and I feel in my heart, that it is something I have to go through, I wanna be able to go through it. No matter how pointless it may seem to myself and others.
4.) I want to be able to keep my true friends. There's this quote from my so-called life that says "There are the people you've known forever, who like, know you in this way that no one else can. Coz they've seen you change. They've let you change."
5.) I want to be able to open myself up to others. Whether its gonna be through a family or to a more altruistic method such as giving up all my possessions for a good cause or something. I don't know, and I have yet to find out.

This was my life.

This is what I want my life to be.

Hopefully, it will help me live my life, as it is now, better.
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Love sucks. [Oct. 17th, 2005|09:38 pm]

So yeah I guess it is break up season again... What are the chances that I open my mail and there are three different messages there.... coming from three different people... all telling me about one thing: their breakup.

To think that it happened right after I wrote that stupid rant about the stupidness of relationships and how I just wanna be alone for the rest of my life. (Oh not alone, hopefully by the time I'm 35, I'd get over my cat allergy so I can start being one of those old maids with no family but has three dozen cats. I swear one daaaayy God would let me have a pet cat without me having to lose my very life. I am fucking allergic to cats, but I frigging love them! Even though they'll kill me.)

So, this friend of mine from high school, just told me she broke up with her boyfriend for six years. Holy crap. Man, was I surprised. You know how you look at some couples, and you seem to know for sure that they're gonna last forever. Well, that's what everyone thought about the two of them. Everyone thought that they were such a great match. A great enough match to have a relationship that could last forever. But I should know better to actually think that a relationship can have so much security.

Damn. A lot of my friends from the Philippines are going through break-ups right now. Some of them, I am ultimately happy that they actually got out of a bad relationship. But for some, like in the case of my friend's six year relationship, you actually feel sad. Coz you know they had a good thing going... or at least I got to see them during their wonder years. While I was reading her email, I seriously wanted to walk towards her house (coz she lives like two streets away from mine) and talk to her over a pack of cigarettes or something. I kinda miss my known role back in the Philippines... I was the ultimate social life provider to all my friends who lost theirs coz they were in such a consuming relationship. Hahaha.

On the other hand, one of the emails I got came from one of my friends from here. I don't know if you can consider this a break-up though. But nevertheless, it is still a parting of ways. Anyhoo, my friend went out with this dude the other night. For a whole month, they've been talking through the phone every damn day. So, when they finally met up... it turned out... she thought the dude she was talking to every night was some other guy! (Fuck, if you'll be reading this, I'm sorry man! But I just gotta quote you!) The title of her email: Re: The date from hell. In her words, "Anyways, i see him and he's shorter than me, skinny, sadly, not even close to average looking... which i could have handled, and he kept trying to get me to take him home!" I just found this ultimately hilarious, coz you should have seen how excited she was before her actual date! Then, you get this email. To tell you how the story ends, ten minutes after they met up, she walked the guy to the bus stop and told him she just wanted to be "friends"... who will never talk to each other EVER.

Damn. If you read the two madrama emails of my two other friends, then right after that, read this email. Man, you would have gotten the same kick I had. But yeah, I'm gonna try to share it to you guys. Hopefully, I would seem like I actually have a point.

But anyhoo, to my dear friends who's going to a break up right now... I just have to tell you this...

Where the hell were you guys when I was data gathering for my thesis? We needed 150 respondents to study for "Coping Strategies during the Dissolution of Romantic Relationships!"

I'm just kidding dear friends. I'm bored. Forgive me. Try moving to the land with no people... you'll understand why I ended up like this. Hehe.

The space between the tears we cried is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more.

Okay, I'm quoting Dave Matthews again. But seriously, isn't it that when you're in love it just seems like all you need is one smile from that one person to make all the big problems and issues seem so small. It's like falling into an anthill, and one gazillion ants bite you all over your body... so you start crying about it coz its just so fucking painful and the ants are starting to go to places that they are so not supposed to be in (aka asshole. Hahaha. yeah im disgusting that way. screw it.)... and you know that no one's gonna love you anymore coz you're gonna look like a fucking anthill yourself after the ants are done with you... but then, the dude you love comes over... fucking smiles at you amidst the ant food fest... takes your hand... then fucking smiles again...

Suddenly, the end of the world due to the domination of ants seems like nothing. When he asks you, "How are you?" There you are standing with still a million ants on your hair, even some of them making their way to your kidneys... and you tell the guy, "I'm okay. It's just an ant bite."

Crap. Talk about weird analogies. Hahaha. Oh well, deal with it. But you'd have to agree with me though... at some other level that isn't concerned with insects and anal bug penetration... I do make sense. Right?
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The space between. [Oct. 14th, 2005|05:35 am]
"The space between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more
The space between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain."
- The Space Between, Dave Matthews Band

As I take my daily early morning cigarette, this is the song on my Ipod. Again, Dave Matthews got me into thinking. As most of my friends know, I have transformed into someone who's sort of commitment-phobic. Back in high school, I remember that my friends used to smack me in the head for being so uninterested in relationships. My high school grad letters composed of "Wag kang magpapakita sa akin ng walang boyfriend ha." For a time, I succeeded, and I was able to bring one to our parties. But then, now, I am back to that whole thing again.

Sure, I still like some guys. I still have crushes on some. I still flirt, I guess. There are still the occassional M.U.s. But so far, I couldn't bring myself to imagine having a stable life-long relationship with anybody. The weird thing with me is, I'm completely fine with this. I have somehow reached the stage where I don't care much if I grow up to be an old maid or something. I don't care much if I won't have the conventional family set-up, of having a mom and a dad and kids that can be a pain in the ass.

For a time, I became what people call a serial monogamist -- having to have a guy I like all the time, just to make me feel good about myself. People might not see me as that type coz I've only had one boyfriend in my life, and no one after that, but if you were one of my close friends, you'll know I AM A SERIAL MONOGAMIST. Then, I went to Canada, and I was able to reevaluate my life in the Philippines from a distance. I am forced to spend some alone time in myself, and find something I'm really fascinated in. So, I was able to do all of that, and I finally was able to preoccupy myself with what I really want to do in my life. Right now, I just want to work on my career. I know that my fulfillment in life will come from being successful in what I really like doing, not on building a relationship with somebody.

But then, this stupid song got me into thinking. "The space between, the tears we cry, is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more." No matter how crappy my "relationships" were, you have to admit that there were good times. Sometimes, you just can't help but crave the kind of attention given to you by one guy who claims to love you for the rest of your life. In between cigarette puffs, I found myself actually dreaming of having that kind of relationship again.... just as long as it's gonna be the one to last.

On the other hand though, I keep on thinking of the hassle it takes to make a relationship work, and the frustration and depression you'd have to go through when you actually break up. Fuck. I don't want that kind of shit anymore. Going through it twice is enough, tama na yun sa buhay ko. I'd rather be seriously alone in my life than go through that kind of crap again. Seriously. Just watch me be alone till I'm 30 years old or even beyond that.

My friends mock me, "Hahahha! Trauma na yan! Hahahahha!" WTH? It may be trauma, but it really makes no difference in my life, even if it is. Coz honestly, having a relationship with somebody I can build a family with is one of the last things on my mind. I even actually think that having one will pull me down and bring me farther away from my dreams. I would rather go to Africa and help people first before I actually want to get married and have kids. The thing is, at this point, I don't even want to have kids. I seriously think my kids are going to end up like me, and fuck, I am such a pain in the ass. I'm trying to delay my karma. I don't believe in that crap that having a family is the only way to make you fulfilled in your life blah blah blah. I know there are other ways.

I seriously wanna go to Africa or Somalia or something like that. No, I am not idolizing Angelina Jolie (fuck you! for those who even thought for a millisecond that I was.) But I was thinking, almost everyone in this world will be having their own family in the future. Almost all people plan to have families, but how many people actually want to spend even just five years of their lives to go to the depressed areas in the world and actually make a difference in these people's lives. The way I see it, I don't have to worry about populating the earth, and I could actually help by not building a family and not adding to the potential scums to inhabit this world, I could just go out of my life of convenience and try to help the lives that actually exist now in the world, be better in some ways. Then, after I do that, I know I could start worrying about being an old maid and all that shit.

Wow. I sure can jump from one topic to the other. Haha. I just realized that now.

Anyway, a friend I always have discussions about love and relationships told me, "You're just saying that. But I sincerely believe that if you find the right one, then you'd go out of your little world just for him, and actually be happy." I've reached the point where my friends actually can't imagine me being in a relationship coz in their eyes I'm just having too much fun alone. To tell you the truth, I am. I like exploring what I like now, and I like being able to take time alone just to read a book or take a long walk outside with my Ipod, and I like being carefree and just hanging out with anybody.

But screw the Ipod, it is a weapon to destroy the world. Through the song, I realized, some parts of me still want to experience it again. But yeah, I'm too fucking cynical to let that happen.

As the cliche goes, "Cynics are hopeless romantics."

It is true though. You have to wonder why cynics are so anti-everything. Where does all the hate and negativity comes from? Coming from a cynic, I think it comes from having a dream shattered (okay, that sounds dramatic. Scratch that.) or believing in something, then something else happens that made you not believe in it. But when you think about it, we never stop believing in something. With religion, for example, being anti-Christ does not make you a non-believer, it means that you still believe and recognize the power of God, it is just that you choose not to abide in all the rules and stuff. Okay, bad metaphor. I am not anti-Christ in anyway, in fact, I seriously believe in Him, and am currently working on a better relationship with Him.

When it comes to love though, I know it still exists and I am happy for the people who have it. It's just that I know it's not for me.

Or I just seriously wanna go to Africa.

But if ever that happens for me, I'll be hanging on to the rest of the lyrics of the song...

The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mineI
s the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...
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Politics... I'm a nerd. [Oct. 3rd, 2005|08:13 pm]

I was so bad trip today. It really takes a lot for me to get my ass up early in the morning... much more on a Sunday morning. So today, I wake up at frigging 5:00am, just so I would make it in time for my 7am shift at the call center. So hurray for me! I wasn't late! (Take note, I have been late every single day, ever since I started in that stupid job. But thank god the company is desperate for agents! Woohoo!) Four hours into my shift, I decide to check what time my break was... then holy shit. What do I see?

You have no schedule today.

What the hell? I wasn't supposed to be at work! I was just so used to working on Sundays that I just assumed I had a shift today. Damn. I gave myself a mental smack on the head for not paying attention to the little details of my job. I'm such a lousy employee. I swear. I was actually kind of happy about going to work today, coz usually overtime is approved and you get paid double. So yippeee. But then, I turn to the service level boards... Fuck. No overtime today. So I just gave Convergys four hours of free service. Hurray for me. Maybe this will give me points to become employee of the month or something.

So anyway, I turn to Tyler to share my stupidity. I was like, "Hey Tyler, you know what's funny and stupid at the same time?"

And I was just expecting him to say, "What?" So I can go through my punchline.

But he was like, "Politics?"

"Yeah! Politics!"

Haha. I completely forgot that "politics" is not the answer to my original question. But yeah, politics is funny and stupid at the same time. Plus, it is actually a more interesting topic to discuss compared to my stupidity. And yes, after hearing him say "Politics?" I felt kinda stupid and shallow to actually say... "No... funny and stupid equals me."

So for the next fifteen minutes I found myself talking about politics with this guy. Before that, I've been reading Zlata's Diary in between calls (Zlata's Diary is sort of like Anne Frank. Except she's in Sarajevo.) The book actually depressed me... to the point that I got a call in the middle of one of her entries... but I was so engrossed in reading about how her bestfriend got killed in a playground... that I fucking released (or hung up) on the guy that was calling me. Like I said, I'm such a lousy agent. But dude, the book was forming my principles right then and there, I don't want to stop that! Who knows, this might end up making me go to Somalia or Africa to help others in need... and then, make the world a better place for you and for me and the entire human race.

Okay. Let me just stop on that.

But seriously though, there has been a lot of stuff around me that had me thinking about the politics that have been going on in the world. The crazy thing about Canada is that people come from all over the world, so you really get exposed to a whole lot of different perspectives. That's kinda what I enjoy about this place, you can frigging talk to anyone (or at least that's what I do, coz I became so pathologically bored at one time that I just wanted to have a decent conversation with ANYONE.) But yeah, one of the reasons why I enjoy taking the bus so damn much is coz I get to talk to a lot of people and I get to ask them stuff about their culture, their history and their experiences in this country as compared to their own.

You know what? The more I talked to other people, the more I see myself as a selfish brat.

Seriously, I used to complain a lot about the state of our country (Philippines), and I just hated the fact that I had to move here for a so-called better life. But then, you meet people from Afghanistan, Africa, Iraq... and the situation in their country is worse than I have ever experienced. You actually start feeling lucky.

The first time I met one of my friends (guess where? at the bus stop!), he was from Africa, and he asked me why I moved here. I was like, "Coz the situation in the Philippines is so bad right now." And he asked me, "Oh really? Why? Is there a war or something?"

That's when I felt guilty for even thinking that I came from a bad place. Seriously, when you're face to face with someone who spent their lifesavings just to get here, coz they were experiencing extreme hunger from where they're from. You'd really realize how luck you actually are. Fuck I always complained about how crowded the MRT was, and how I never had money for Starbucks, and how gas prices were so high. But then, you meet people who didn't complain about war, about not being able to go to school because going to school meant being killed and all that. Dude, it really opens your eyes.

So, I've been interested in war, politics and government recently. I've been frequenting this anti-war website. I don't know, but recently I've been so affected about all the world issues. Seriously. I think its coz I really watched the news for updates on what was happening in Hurricane Katrina and Rita... Seeing people's bodies lined up waiting to be identified... and then you get to read all these editorials from all over the world, saying that the US deserved it coz they were so mean to all the other countries... and that's just so fucked up.

I couldn't imagine how people can actually say that. They say that they're sorry about the victims, but then again they deserve to die coz they were a power-hungry country? WTF? So these victims came from one of the most powerful countries in the world who happens to have a president who wages war on impulse, but when you actually look at them, they're also the same as us. They're also human beings, who work hard to reach their dreams, who care for their loved ones, and who are unfortunate enough to have their dreams shattered and, for some, their families destroyed, coz of a natural calamity. I actually felt bad for all my callers who came from New Orleans coz for some of them, their websites is their only hope to start a new life.

Sometimes, I'd feel so sorry for them that I just want to give them straight out what they need even if its against policies. But then, I have to remind myself that my job requires that I become a robot... and not feel any sympathy for anyone.

So anyway, after those calamities, I surf the web for editorials. And god, reading on all these political bickering makes me feel so sad about the world I live in. I don't know. The government is supposed to make the world a more harmonious and peaceful place to live in. But the way I see it now, its actually the major causes of problems.

Seriously though, there are still some countries in war right now. If the government acts only for the good of the people, then why the hell are people getting killed? Why the hell are they cockblocking the growth of the youth by threatening to kill them if they go to school? I just don't get it... and its possible that its coz I don't know much about politics and the government in general. But I don't see the point of everything. The government is supposed to be helping the people, but the way I see it, every government in the world is actually so detached from its people. Its like the politicians base their judgement on theories that they have studied. They don't know their own people. They look at statistical data and behavioral studies, but for me, politicians don't have a relationship with their people. I still stand to be corrected. But that's how I see it.

Also, what's up with all the ass kissing? Seriously, that's also one thing I don't get. We put so much emphasis on fighting for our country's identity, but we kiss the ass of more powerful countries... for what? I'm not only talking about the Philippines here. I have a friend from here who was part of the Canadian Army (Oh god, you'd be so surprised when you meet her. Imagine, she's almost just as tall as I am. She's kinda petite, and she's always wearing pink. But surprise! She was part of the Canadian Army!). She quit coz she didn't agree with some of the government's views. In her words, "Coz the Canadian Army sucks up the US so much." My trainor at Convergys told me about this time when some of the Canadian soldiers were made to wear US army uniforms coz the US was required to have like 2/3s presence whatever.

Fuck. This is a pretty long rant. Bottom line, when you add all these stuff up... yeah... funny and stupid... politics.

This is only my opinion... for now... could change tomorrow. I don't know. hehehe.


On a lighter note, I finally took the Are you a geek, nerd or dork test! Hahaha. I wanted to disprove that I am actually any of those. But can you say "backfire?"
Here are the results...

Modern, Cool Nerd
78 % Nerd, 65% Geek, 47% Dork

For The Record:
A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in Nerd and Geek, earning you the title of: Modern, Cool Nerd. Nerds didn't use to be cool, but in the 90's that all changed. It used to be that, if you were a computer expert, you had to wear plaid or a pocket protector or suspenders or something that announced to the world that you couldn't quite fit in. Not anymore. Now, the intelligent and geeky have eked out for themselves a modicum of respect at the very least, and "geek is chic." The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)!

Okay, so the stupid test says I'm a nerd. Holy shit. This would have been okay, but like I said, the point of taking the test was supposed to disprove that I am actually not. I seemed to have scored higher. Oh god, I am not a nerd!!!

So what if I have my own Harry Potter fan fiction and I'm a member of two fan clubs plus the Home for the Britishly Influenced? So what if I schedule my day around CSI and Everybody Hates Chris? So what if I read psych journals during my free time? So what if I'm always in front in class?

Fuck. I am a nerd. Get real, Ina.

But you know what it doesn't make me feel better to know that...
I scored higher than 91% in nerdosity than most people who took the exam.
And 90% in geekosity.
and 80% in dorkness.

Shyet. To think that people who actually bother to take this test are geeks, nerds, or dorks to begin with. So to my fellow geeks/nerds/dorks... if you're interested, take the test here.
Till next time :)

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Life is total punk rock. [Sep. 21st, 2005|11:46 pm]
I apparently look like the typical punk rocker now.

Damn. And I didn't even realize it.

It's as if people automatically assume that I'm a rocker coz of my red highlights. Well, I noticed the difference anyway. Eversince I dyed my hair red, people were coming up to me and asking if I wanna see this rock band or I wanna go this bar that plays heavy punk rock. Or if I heard of this rock band. Or suddenly pass by me and sing "I wanna take you to a gay bar!" (Electric Six) and expect me to sing along.

Which I actually do. Well, I love rock. But I don't wanna look like one, I make too much fun of punk rockers to actually look like one. People ask me, then why the hell did you dye your hair? Well, my goal was to look like an artsy chick, not a frigging emotionally challenged depressive. I asked one of my friends from work, "Why do you assume that I'm a rocker?"

He was like, "Aside from the bloody red hair and skeleton-printed sneakers and Chuck Taylors, there's the fact that I hear your Ipod all the way from Technical Support."

Okay. Figures. It is not the image after all. Coz I confess. I hate listening to the screams of my callers. So usually, when I'm on a call, I have my headset on my other ear where I listen to the stupidity that comes from the other side of the world, while I have Nada Surf and The Used on the other ear. So when the customer starts screaming about how terrible life is coz of Yahoo, I just listen to the angry depressive screams of rockers, at least their angst can be called art. Hehehe.

But anyhoo, it got me into thinking. Rockers have this certain stereotype. When we say that someone is a rocker, people always have a tendency to think that they are depressive, emos, potheads... weirdos. But seriously, it's kinda cool how they are able to channel their emotions into something so productive, or unique... and most of the time, even beautiful. I mean, it is better than what I do... when I'm frustrated... I just blog. Hehehe. Which is so damn useless. A lot of people would just regard all rock music in general as senseless never ending noise saved in an overpriced CD. But if you listen to enough rock music, you'd realize that it would actually take a lot of work and brilliant minds to come up with one great song. Well, it is all a matter of taste in music anyway. I like rock.

The thing I like about rock music (and alternative as well) is that I like how raw all their lyrics are, I like the absence of sugar coated words. When they want to express their pain, they don't say it in a cheesy way, they just say "Fuck off!" and scream their head till you feel that it would actually burst and spew out pieces of human flesh and blood through your earphones.

So why is life total punk rock for me?

How I enjoy rock music is kinda similar to how I actually enjoy life. I remember when I used to stay at the condo all my friends would say, "Ina, ang ingay ng music mo!" (Your music is so noisy!) And I tell them how I like what the heavy banging sounds do to my head. Kinda like a massage, you're actually getting beat up, but it feels good and sort of relaxing.

The connection to my life is that sometimes life has his own heavy banging sounds, that it drives some people crazy. But if you learn how to love the head beating noise and actually see it as an artwork, then you would be able to appreciate it more. You'd actually be able to enjoy it, and you would actually look forward to it. Some people would find that kind of noise in life senseless, some would find meaning in it. In the midst of the bass and the guitar and the drums, you would want to scream your lungs out. Hell yeah. Just to release all your frustration, all your energy, all the emotions that you just can't say. Thus, in life, we have our nervous break downs, our eating binges, our chain smoker years.... and this is synonymous to the parts of the song where you just scream, as if senselessly, just to have an outlet. In turn, people understand what you're feeling. The same way that when you just broke up with somebody or just failed a big exam, friends would know how you're feeling and they would generously say "Yosi lang katapat niyan."

I don't think I made sense. Oh well. My point is a lot of people can't appreciate rock music. A lot of people can't appreciate life itself.

I say, punk rock isn't that bad. Life isn't that bad.

Thus, life is total punk rock.
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In women's defense. [Sep. 1st, 2005|01:20 am]
"There isn't a theologian in the world who can argue with me on this. God has no gender. If that's the case, then everything needs to be rewritten now, right now."
- Susan Powter

Something to think about.

I'm in feminist mode right now. Boys piss me off. Haha. (Just one actually) And as a woman (or so I want to believe I am, no violent reactions), I want to fight for my gender.

Yes, I know I have tendencies to have temporary principles, but WTF. As long as I believe in them, I'm gonna stand up for it. So STFU. Haha.

So what triggered this? Well, during the past week, my cousin's friends started some sort of anti-women campaign or whatever in their blogs. This really didn't bother me coz it was a pretty interesting read. But then, this dude I work with at Convergys pissed me off.

Our training class is composed of seven girls and two guys. We were playing "Jeopardy" and there was this one part that he said "What is .1%?" instead of "What is 1.0%?" So he didn't get points for that, then he started this whole rant about us being unfair just because he's a man. And that if he's a girl, then we would have given him the point. WTF. It didn't stop there. He even came to the point of saying, "Other than manual labor, the major factor for getting jobs is appearance. That's why there are so many of you here."


Of course, this pissed most of us off, but women are patient and understanding. His ass would have been kicked so badly if we weren't. BUT did it stop there? NOOOOO.

"This is unfair. People say I'm racist coz I'm white. And now, just because I'm a man, you think I'm sexist."

What a baby. He sure got some intellectual whipping from all of us. First of all, we did not say anything about you being sexist. If men are asumed to be sexists just by being male, well, some people judge some women as lesbians just by being feminists... and if not psycho self-righteous bitches. So what the hell is unfair?

I am not pushing for the superiority of women. In this case, I'm pushing for gender equality. I just hate it that people can be so quick in judging and generalizing based on gender. And that goes for both men and women.

I was especially pissed off that he was saying that we only got our jobs coz we were women, and we looked better. What the hell is that? Let me just get this straight. We live in such a patriarchal world. In earlier times, women had to fight to be able to work. They jumped into caravans, disguised themselves, some were even condemned, just so that society can be able to give women the same opportunities as men. I really take pride in the fact that I grew up in the first country to have a female president. At least I know that fellow Filipinos recognize the capabilities of women.

All I can say to him is that, please don't talk about gender inequality, especially if you're saying that the world is unfair to men. Keep this in mind...

In the US, a woman is sexually assaulted every two minutes. 88% of sexual assault victims are female. 96% of offenders are male.

I quote Hillary Clinton...

"In many parts of the world, women and girls are especially vulnerable to HIV/AIDS because they lack control over most aspects of their life. Cultural expectations and gender roles expose women and girls to violence, sexual exploitation and far greater risk for infection."

So until we live in a time when the statistics are closer, STFU and stop judging.

On a lighter note...

Let me just defend two things: 1.) women in relationships 2.) PMS.

My friend Karl said this. (As he is quoted by a friend of his in another blog. Naks blogebrity ka na ha!)

"They say women are the smarter gender, but I beg to disagree, I just think they are perpetually confused like all geniuses are, hence the aforementioned cliche. Unfortunately, their confusion gets them nowhere at all. It gets them burning bras, showing off breasts to get dough, or kicking a guy in the face for opening the door for them. They are the perpetual lost puppies."

Okay, before anything else, in his defense, he never said anything about the superiority of men. As he said, "But ladies, please remember that I never EVER said anything about men being superior. I only talk about my superiority, I can't answer for the mistakes of my gender." (So I don't know which is worse. Haha.)

In the same way, I am not talking about the superiority of women here. Nor am I bitching about how unfair the world is to women. I am just stating some facts my limited mind is aware of... and how it pisses me off that some people can be so judgemental about women.

With what Karl said, at some parts, I totally agree. Women tend to think too much, become too paranoid, thus, become confused. In fact I even said this, ""But you know why women think that they're the smarter gender? It's because they're more paranoid and vocal. Women think they're smart because they think too much and they assume that men don't at all"

I've been there, and I've seen my friends fall into the same trap. So it's about time we swallow our pride and accept our mistakes. On to my point.

But for me, confused or lost are not exactly the words to describe women. Women are not confused, they're simply misunderstood.

I wrote this down before. Cultural expectations expect women to care. Society promotes such images as the "caring mother" "attractive model" "loving and sweet girlfriend." Dude, do you actually think that the Notebook and Serendipity are marketed for men? Hell no. And look at the popular TV series nowadays... Desperate Housewives, Sex and the City, oh god even Lizzie Mcguire. What image does it show of women? Think of it.

Women think of relationships more than men because it is what has been modeled to them all these years. Girls start dreaming of their weddings as early as when they're five. Most women get into relationships because they dream of having a family of their own. Thus, they think ahead. They become more attached in relationships... in guy's terms, they become more clingy.

If some men hate the fact that some women think that we are the superior gender, I hate how some guys become too judgemental on women without even looking at the other factors that contribute to the answer to the question on why we are like this.

It is not entirely the woman's fault why she thinks like this. Another thing to consider is this...

Men and women process information differently because of differences in a portion of the brain called the splenium, which is much larger in women than in men, and has more brain-wave activity. (9) Studies have shown that problemsolving tasks in female brains are handled by both hemispheres, while the male brain only uses one hemisphere.

Differences in the ways men and women communicate is also a function of sex-specific areas of the brain. Women seem to have an enhanced awareness of "emotionally relevant details, visual cues, verbal nuances, and hidden meanings," writes Nadeau. Similarly, while male infants are more interested in objects than in people, female infants respond more readily to the human voice than do male infants.

from http://www.narth.com/docs/york.html

There are so much more to women's behaviors than just mere bitchiness and lost puppiness.

Another note, if our gender produces the likes of Paris Hilton, males produce people like Hitler, Saddam Hussein and Michael Jackson.

So on to number two, PMS.

This is real. Yes, it is caused by raging hormones.

If you don't believe in it, consider this experiment conducted to women in a small village. They were made to take this certain kind of birth control pills. For those who do not know, birth control pills makes the menstrual cycle more regular. Which means, that after the experiment, the women all had their PMS at the same time. The result? The men couldn't take it. They all headed for their boats each month and remained at sea until the crisis had passed at home. They knew, even if some people didn't, that females are different from males . . . especially every twenty-eight days.

Hormones is not a totally lame excuse. If you come to think about it, it's the same excuse most men use to rationalize why some of them start jacking off at the age of 12.

Anyway, that's my piece on the subject. I am in feminist mode. I do not mean to be offensive or whatsoever. Please, no violent reactions. Besides, always remember, I have temporary values. So don't take me seriously. Hehehe.

I want to close this with yet another quote.

"As far as I'm concerned, being any gender is a drag."
- Patti Smith

So all is fair in the world. :)
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War of the Worlds: Girls vs Boys. [Jun. 24th, 2005|09:34 pm]

I know. It's pretty unsual for me not to update my blog for this long a time. But I'm back. My deadly PMS days are over. (Yup, that explains all that suicidal tendencies.)

Anyhoo, I am so happy that I am not a guy. My brother has been pestering me to buy a gift for his girlfriend here. So, I spent two hours in Glorietta trying to find the perfect gift for the girl. (I'm such a good sister to do this, but of course, this means that he's gonna be my slave for a whole week when I get to Canada. Mwahahaha. Older sisters rule!) I kept on thinking, "The grass truly is greener on the girls' side." I have seen the light. I will stop being such a cold-hearted bitch to the guys who actually see beyond my rowing/football/computer addiction. This afternoon has given me a new appreciation for boys.

Anyway, I'm back to girl world (as girly as it could ever get for me). Where the only thing I have to worry about is going through my PMS attacks in one piece.

Since I'm on the topic, I want to talk about guys and girls more.

When a woman like that whom I've seen so much,
All of a sudden drops out of touch;
Is always busy and never can,
Spare you a moment,
it means a man.
- Alice Duer Miller

Yup, it's easy to lose yourself in a relationship. I myself went through that. When the whole world seem to move for just you and one man. When everything you do seem to be dedicated to making the relationship work. When you refuse to give time to your friends just so that you can be readily available to spend time with your boyfriend.

I have a friend who recently hooked up with someone. Yesterday, I was asking her if she wanted to go home with me coz she lives really near me. But she refused, coz she'd rather wait for her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was hanging out with his friends. It was all guys. But she'd rather really wait for him till he had to go as well.

Anyway, I realized, guys and girls act differently in relationships.

For example, ask a girl why she broke up with the guy... Usual answers are...
"He never had time for me."
"I got tired of it."
"I was never in his priorities."
"I can't talk to him about anything."
"He had time for Ragnarok, but he never had time for me."
"I was the one who was always going all the way for him."

On the other hand, ask a guy why he broke up with a girl...
"She's too clingy."
"I became her hobby."
"I want to focus on different things first."
"I am not ready for something that serious."
"I need some space."

At least, that's what I hear from my friends.

Another example, a conversation with Evange and Rio about the same topic could be very different.

Ina: Why is he like that kaya?
Evange: You know he's like that coz probably he's so confident with himself. His family raised him with that kind of priorities. He really thinks there's nothing wrong with what he's doing, and that he's hurting other people. (We talked about this in the condo for the entire night.)

Same topic, different person.

Ina: Why is he like that kaya?
Rio: Coz he is. (conversation over)

I really feel the contrast.

I remember having coffee with a friend of mine. He studied Philosophy in college, so he started talking about his favorite philosphers. I honestly lost interest in philosophy as soon as I got through all the required readings in Introduction to Philosophy. Coz for me, philosphers question everything. They like to think of the world and dissect everything in it. Find the logic behind everything, and present their theories as if it was the only reality in this world. And I don't believe in that.

When it comes down to it, we all live in our own different realities. We make up our own worlds inside of us just to make the rest of the whole world bearable to live in. As Anais Nin said, "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."

When I finally told my friend that I'm really not that interested in philosophy but he can continue talking, he said, "That's coz you're a girl. That's why you're in Psychology."

If you noticed, guys are more into philosophy, girls are more into psychology.

Guys like understanding the world and how it works. Girls like understanding people and relationships.

Guys like exploring things, girls like exploring individuals.

When guys explore the things that fascinate them, girls think they're too detached.
When girls try to get to know a guy more, guys think they're too clingy.

I noticed from my guy friends, that guys have many interests. They like spending time on the things that they fancy -- whether it is their career, sports, bands, or even Ragnarok (God bless them). Sometimes they take interest in a girl(s). But when they do, it doesn't mean that girls remain to be their only interest. Even with their eye on the girl, they still want to dabble into the other things they like to do. They still like to have their own time, otherwise, nakakasakal. That's what they call it.

With my girl friends, I noticed that they also have different hobbies, but not the time-consuming ones that guys, on the other hand, have. They like reading books, going shopping, hanging out, sometimes even sports or going to the gym. But when they meet a guy, they get so addicted to that feeling: kilig. They have a tendency to cherish and relive every second of every moment they had with the guy. And their other girl friends would just as eagerly want to hear about it.

So with these differences in focus, what happens? Ayun, nasakal si lalake, nawala ang kilig ni babae.

I really don't know what brought about these apparent differences, when we're all human beings. Composed of the same kind of cells. But maybe girls become relationship focused, coz the stereotype with girls are that they're more caring and emotional. That's why a lot of TV shows and books are marketed to girls: Dawson's Creek, Love Stories, One Tree Hill (seriously, you don't see guys watching that, and if you are a guy, and you actually enjoy watching One Tree Hill, please email me and teach me how to become a girl). Even in commercials the usual images are women who take care of their family, falling in love or catching a guy's attention. So, seriously, from the very start, girls have been shown that relationships are what's important.

With guys, I seriously don't know. Coz as you could see, I am still a girl. But from what I see, I think that guys aren't brought up to be that emotional and that attached to people. Coz like I said, if you'd see a guy who watches One Tree Hill or cries over Dawson and Joey, or even a guy who is simply yet obviously a hopeless romantic. With all honesty, you'd think that it is SO GAY. A lot of guys are just seriously homophobic and would be ready to kill when that word is directed to them. Guys are brought up to be more aggressive. That's why all these RPGs and video games are targetted towards them. Coming from experience, video games are actually addicting. Thus, they have their time consuming hobbies.

But seriously, despite all these differences, I don't think that we are doomed to hate each other. There's still what they call love existing in our world. Love gives room for compromise, and everything will finally work out.

Besides, it just takes two people to see the same picture. They might have different perspectives on it, but when they look at the same thing and they connect, that's when guys and girls compliment each other. And everything will seem better.

I hope I made some sense. This is still unbelievably long. Better stop.
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